Moron or Oxymoron?

Chuck Norris fact of the day:

CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass-kicking in real time.

and now back to our regularly scheduled program...


Ladies and Gentlemen, children of all ages (except those under 13 without parental guidance)...

It's the 1st Annual... John's Top 20 Oxymoron List.

20. Government Organization
19. Alone together
18. Personal Computer
17. Silent Scream
16. Living Dead
15. Same Difference
14. Taped Live
13. Plastic Glasses
12. Tight Slacks
11. Peace Force
10. Pretty Ugly
9. Head Butt
8. Working Vacation
7. Tax Return
6. Virtual Reality
5. Dodge Ram
4. Work Party
3. Jumbo Shrimp
2. Healthy Tan
1. Microsoft Works

Peace out bitches........a long grueling day of payroll tax work, here I come.

Quickie II

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take me to fly from New York City to L.A.?"

The airline agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank You," the blonde says, and hangs up.


DOH!!

Ba-dum-ching!

a-ba-dee-ba-dee-ba-dee-ba-dee...that's all folks!

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Random thoughts

Chuck Norris fact of the day:

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

And now back to our regular scheduled program...

For Thursday, June 22, 2006....here is your Random Thought of the Day.

I think our life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, start out dead and get it out of the way. Then you wake up in a nursing home, feeling better each day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get as gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you are young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for high school. You go to elementary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last nine months floating peacefully, with luxuries like central heating, spa room services on tap, larger quarters everyday, and finally you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.


Peace out, bitches......playful daughter, here I come!

Quickie...

Two reasons why it's hard to solve a redneck murder...


1. All the DNA is the same
2. There are no dental records

well ba-dee, ba-dee, ba-dee, ba-dee, that's all folks..

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Ancient Chinese Proverbs

Chuck Norris Fact of the Day:

There in no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist to punch you in the face.


And now back to our regularly scheduled program...


There are a few Ancient Chinese Proverbs that have been hidden for thousands of years. They were finally uncovered this morning. I thought I'd share them here on this blog, before they make the news...


Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone

Man who run in front of car get tired, man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways, always going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

He who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is bullshit. man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on Earth but next to best thing on Earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight wife all day get no peace at night.

It take many nails to build crib; only one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change in the basement.

Man who fish in other mans well catch crabs.

These two are my personal favorite...

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.


There ya go! Hope you chuckled at least once. I nearly pee'd myself on the last two. Word.


Word up bitches.............air conditioner blowing on my back while I eat breakfast, here I come.

Smoking can be good?

Chuck Norris Fact of the Day:

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with his ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian. Whole.

Anyway...


If there is one thing that smoking taught me, other than lighting up makes you look cool, mature and attractive, it's that a person should carry around a means for making fire at all times.

Even though I'm not a smoker anymore, I still carry a lighter, matches or a blow torch with me at all times. Seriously, fire comes in handy. If I can't get the wrapper off a CD, I just hold the lighter next to it long enough to create a little hole that I can stick my finger in and tear open. One night, I was walking to my car after a gig in Philly and some punk ass stabbed me. I got in my car, cauterized the wound and drove home, where I slathered myself in Neosporin.

I didn't even scar.

So last week, I was sitting at the electric piano in my house working on some new projects, when I noticed a huge blue string hanging out of my shorts. Since I was wearing tan shorts, I figured that this string was coming from my underwear. As I pulled down my waistband, I discovered that yes, my underwear was unraveling on my body.

I looked next to me on the top off the desk, swearing that my scissors I had used earlier for a scrapbooking....uhhh...I mean a football project were there. After pulling out the drawer, I discovered that I was wrong. Suddenly, as if it happens suddenly, my obsessive-compulsive tendencies began to take over. It would be impossible for me to complete any of my music projects without first removing this string.

The easy and intelligent thing for me to do, would have been to get up from the desk, find the scissors, and cut the damn thing off. Since I am neither easy or intelligent, I tried using all sorts of sharp things to cut the string. I nearly stabbed myself in the eye with a letter opener. Twice.

As I searched around for other objects that could possibly end my life with one miscalculation, I noticed my music bag sitting on the edge of my desk. My lighter was in there, and I knew it would save me from a mortal wound upon my body.

"Oh you bastard. I've got you now!" I proclaimed with glee.

How the silver gleamed as my lighter emerged into the light. Quickly, I pulled my pants down so they were hanging off my ass urban-hip hop style, then I knotted the string. With a flick of my Bic, I lit the son of a bitch.

Yup...it became official: I'm a moron.

Within two seconds, the entire waisteband of my underwear was on fire. I jumped out of my chair and began hopping around feverishly trying to vanquish the flames. For some reason (probably because I hang out with a lot of foul-mouth musicians, and I love Tenacious D), whenever I'm in a bit of trouble. I start screaming "fuck, my ass!"

Sooooo....I'm hopping up and down, patting my crotch and shouting "fuck, my ass! fuck, my ass! FUUUCCCKKK MMYYYY AAAASSSSSSS!!!" when I realize that the window is open, and the blinds aren't drawn, and my neighbor is standing outside watching, and he can only see me from the waist up.

Now, my neighbor is a tad bit strange himself, and when I noticed the goofy smile spread across his face, I actually took the time to reach out and shut the blinds. I wanted him to realize that I did not want to be fucked in the ass, and figured that third degree burns were worth him not walking into his house and jacking off to the image he had just seen.

The phrase "Everything you need to know, you learned in Kindergarten, " tookhold in my mind, and finally, after about two minutes into my futile effort to extinguished the flames, I stopped, dropped and rolled.

Ah, relief.

With the tips of my fingers, I felt around the waistband of my underwear and there was nothing left but charred cotton. My skin felt all right, and I thanked God that I decided to use a moisturizing soap that morning. Jergens had saved me a visit to the Burn Unit at Franklin Square Hospital.

Without missing a beat, I sat down at my piano, and began working on my project again.

To date, I have said nothing to my neighbor about the incident. As a matter of fact, I avoid all possible contact with him.



Peace out bitches...... a cold shower on a humid morning, here I come.

SLEEPING AT WORK...

So what. I fall asleep at my desk at work. It happens all the time. Even when I get a lot of sleep. It must be a combination of sleep apnea, narcolepsy, and a poor diet. BUT, I have come up with a way to overcome this problem. For those of you who have the same problem, please take note.

If you get caught sleeping at your desk, here is a list of 10 things to say - from my personal library. Thank me later.


10. "Yep, they told me at the Blood Bank that this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap. They really raved about these at that time management seminar you sent me to."
8. "Whoa! Guess I left the top off my WhiteOut. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance?"
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminating toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big tax problem! Now I must start again."
3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"
2. "Someone put the decaf in the wrong pot!"


and the best one that you could ever use is...

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus name, Amen."




Peace out bitches..... coco crispies, here I come!

New College Degree Program

A few Colleges and Universities around the country are starting in on a new trend that I think is marvelous. They have a new two-year degree program only for men called: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six trimesters, some pathetic guys can earn an MA (Male Arts) degree and become real men! Please take a moment to look over the course schedule and program outline to see if you or someone you know could benefit.


FIRST YEAR

Autumn Schedule
MEN 101 - Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 - You, too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 - PMS - Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 - Sleazy Underthings Are Not Good Christmas Gifts

Winter Schedule
MEN 110 - Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 - Understanding the Female Response to Getting Home at 4:00AM
MEN 112 - Parenting: It doesn't End With Conception
EAT 100 - Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 - Get a life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A - What's Her's is Her's

Spring Schedule
MEN 120 - How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You Are Wrong
MEN 121 - Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 - YOU, the Weaker Sex
ECON 001C - What Was Your's is Her's

SECOND YEAR

Fall Schedule
SEX 101 - You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 - Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 - Staying Awake After Sex
MEN 201 - How To Put the Toilet Seat Down

Winter Schedule
MEN 210 - The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 - How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 - You, too, Can Be the Designated Driver
MEN 213 - Believe Me, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A - Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Still Important I

Spring Schedule
MEN 220 - Omitting 'Bitch' and 'Fuck' From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail)
MEN 221 - Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Still Important II
MEN222 - Real Men Ask Directions
MEN 223/SEX 204 - Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay


Course Electives
EAT 102 - Utilizing Utensils
EAT 201 - Cooking Healthy with Tofu
EAT 204 - Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 - Mothers-in-Law
MEN 232 - How to Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 - Just Say "Yes Dear"
ECON 001D - Cheaper to Keep Her


For some - this program is a must. For others - it is highly recommended. For most - it will go undiscovered, and the divorce rate, coupled with the number of single parent children, will continue to grow. C'mon guys, let's step up to the plate. Become a real man.

Consult your local college/university to see if this degree is being offered. It can also be tailored for guys that are living with/married to a pregnant girlfriend/wife.




Peace out bitches.....water, tylenol, egg-white omelet, and 2% milk.... here I come!

Maturity and Life Lessons

I received an email with this stuff in it. I really thought it to be quite true. I think I really have learned every one of these!



As I've matured...


I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that one good turn...gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear, it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not to pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like a fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house....one of your kids did it.

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon, and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

Please remember to smile at someone random today. You might just make their day.


Peace out bitches......Oatmeal and an eggwhite sandwich, here I come.

Got Bubblewrap?

Are you a bubblewrap popper?

Your prayers have been answered.

There is online bubblewrap!

Your supply will never be depleated!

What will they think of next.

Check it out here:

http://www.pianoladynancy.com/bubblewrap.htm

Have fun, bitches - getting the baby fed and dressed, here I come.

Blazing Saddles - vs - Brokeback Mountain?

TOP TEN OLD WEST PHRASES THAT WILL NEVER SOUND THE SAME AFTER THAT DAMNED GAY COWBOY MOVIE

1. "I'm going to pump you full of lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep."
3. "Don't fret - I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, partner."
5. "You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore"
7. "Hold it right there! Now move your hand, reeeeaaal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride 'em cowboy!"


Peace out bitches - a glass of apple-cranberry juice, here I come.

FDA Announcement

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, and Advil is ibuprofen.
The FDA has been soliciting a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Names also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadud, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and Ibepokin.
Also, in pharmaceutical news, Pfizer Corporation and PepsiCo announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by PepsiCo as a power beverage similar to RED BULL. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one! Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives a new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs", and just good old-fashioned "stiff drinks". Pepsi will market the new "pick me upper", sold in six pack, pony-sized bottles, under the trade name of Mount & Do.

Peace out, bitches......a long warm shower - here I come!

Don't try this at home.

You know, sometimes I need a little excitement in my life. Instead of waiting for something exciting to happen, I'd rather create some excitement. I like to do things that will get people to react in true persona (meaning they can't be fake or act untrue), I really want to see what people are really made of. That's why I conduct little social experiments for fun. I do this in public places (like a mall, or park), and also in private places (like work, or a family cookout). Someday my book will be published containing my findings on human conditioning -vs- social consciousness. But until then, I'll give you a few things that I like to do - so you, too, can start experimenting. These are in the category "Things to do that test social limits of accepting insanity." Please try these when you have a chance. It's a hoot!

1. Stand on a chair and yell out "Announcement", then sit back down and say nothing. (this works great in the mall food court, or if you work in a cubicle environment with multiple co-workers.)

2. mumble to yourself in an unknown language. (this could work in a variety of places - especially works well in a movie theatre)

3. go into a restroom stall, ask that someone throw you in a roll of toilet paper, and then come out of the stall wearing the toilet paper as a hat. (works nice at rest stops or largely occupied bathrooms)

4. go into the grocery store or a market and talk to the fruit. Ask the melons if they have been good melons, or bad melons.

5. suddenly stand up and run around in a circle yelling "AHHHH! It burns!!." Then sit back down and pretend you are drinking tea. (try this on public transportation)


Just try any of these. See how people react. Remember: your life is only as fun as you make it.


Peace out bitches, 2% milk and Cheerios, here I come.

Great Top Ten

Top ten ways the Bible would be different if it were written by college students:

10. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.

9. The 10 Commandments would only be 5 - double spaced - and written in large font.

8. There would be a new edition every 2 years to limit re-selling.

7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.

6. Paul's letter to the Roman's becomes Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov

5. Reason Kain killed Abel: they were roommates.

4.The place where the end of the world takes place is FINALS; not Armageddon.

3. Out go the mules, in comes the mountain bikes.

2. Reason why Moses and followers wondered for 40 years: They didn't want to ask for directions and look like freshies.

1. Instead of God creating the world in 6 days and resting on the 7th, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and pulled an all-nighter.


Peace out bitches, 2% milk and Cheerios - here I come.

College Course Evaluation Forms

Being a recent college graduate, one of my fondest moments from my trip towards a diploma, was the "course evaluation form" that we students received every semester-end, when a class was about to end. I used to think that these evaluations meant nothing, and I always just went down the form and filled in the middle bubble. Then when it got to the part where you had to answer questions, and write how you would improve the class, I would either write nothing, or write "everything was ok". But then one semester, I had an instructer that I really felt should not have a teaching position on a university level. This instructer was a flaming left-winged, tree-hugging, hippie-liberal. Now, mind you, there is nothing wrong with that; but when your political stance is effecting how you grade the students work, it's just wrong. I found this out because for the whole semester me and another student conducted an experiment: I turned in the shittiest papers I could write, but always filled them with anti-war, Bush-bashing stuff. (And when I say shitty, I mean like 4th grade level shitty. Remeber the "Dick and Jane" books from grade school? Well, that's how I wrote.) Meanwhile, the student that sat next to me (a Marine), was turning in these beautifully written papers filled with pro-Bush, pro-war stuff. Guess which one of us got an A? That's right! Me! She would actually write on my papers that she agreed with my political stances and felt the same way! And she wrote on the other students' papers that she disagreed with him whole-heartedly and wanted him to "revise his work".

So anyway, the moral of the story is that I learned how to read the teacher, and act in a way that got me the highest grade for the least amount of work. But I was sooo pissed at this teacher, and I wanted to do something about it.

So I took about 30 minutes and really let her have it on the course evaluation form. I wrote some nasty shit. Even though it was all true, I still felt really guilty when I put it in the envelope. But I didn't think anyone read them.

Wrong I was! I got an email from the head of the department wanting to speak with me by telephone. I phoned him and we had a nice chat. He explained to me that those evaluations are really important to a teacher, and they are taken VERY seriously. They even effect the teachers annual increases, etc.

Man, he shouldn't have told me that. Because that's when I went nuts. Every class, I filled out the evaluation form and just wrote the craziest shit I could think of. It was so amusing to think that someone would be forced to read the ramblings of a twisted mind!

Here are a few examples of what was written on a few college course evaluation forms: (feel free to use these)

1. "The textbook is almost useless. Unless of course you count all the times I used it to scrape up bird poop whe I was hungry"

2. "He teached like Speedy Gonzales on a caffeine high!"

3. "Help me...I've fallen asleep, and I can't get up!"

4. "This instructor would make a great parking lot attendant. He tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."

5. "This class is worthwhile only because I need it for my degree."

6. "The textbook is confusing. Someone with a knowledge of the English language should proofread it."

7. "Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material."

8. "He is one of the best teachers I ever had. He is well organized, presents great lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."

9. "I just sat in class and stared out the window. The squirrels have a cool nest in that tree."

10. "Information was presented to us like a ruptured fire hose: spraying in all directions, and no way to stop it."

11. "I never bought the textbook. My $110.00 was better spent on CD's I used to help get me through problem sets."

12. "The course was very thorough! What wasn't covered in class was on the final exam."

THE END


Peace out, bitches..... apple juice and eggwhites, hereI come.