International Rules of Manhood

A friend once shared some International Rules of Manhood with me. Live by them or die.


1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2. If you've know a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
3. No man shall be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.
4. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask what the score is, but never ask who is playing.
5. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
6. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
7. If another man's fly is down, that's his problem, move along, you didn't see anything.
8. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman, must remain sober enough to fight.
9. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer, or the last slice of pizza, but not both...that's just being greedy.
10. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost inperceptable nod is all the conversation you will need.
11. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is nopt acceptable for her to drive yours.
12. There is never a situation that calls for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
13. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights"
a. Yeah baby, push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
14. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmans?" with "If you loved me you would know what to get me." gets a vibrating dildo. End of story.



If you know of any more. Please post them in a reply.

Peace out, bitches....Winter Storm Stout...here I come.

Haiku's can be fun...

So I get these queer notions in my head to do abnormal things...

like write some Haiku's to kill time.


Inspired by my corporate payroll job.


There is work to do
But I don't want to do that.
Make Haiku instead.


Work makes me dizzy.
Lousy payroll makes me sad.
I want to go home.


Days and days go by.
Work piles to the ceiling
Tacos are for lunch!


Cover the huge fart
with paper in the shredder.
Crack the window too.


Boss is off this week.
Nothing to do but relax.
I don't hate my job.


Thanks. uh-buh-bye.

30 Ways to Piss Off the Pizza Place

1. Make up charge-card names. Ask if they accept it.
2. Use CB lingo where applicable
3. Order the Big Mac Extra Value Meal
4. Tell the order taker that a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
5. Answer questions with questions
6. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something absolutely sinful.
7. Use these bonus words in the conversation: Robust.Free-Spirited.Cost Efficient.Ukranian Puce.
8. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
9. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
10. Do not name the toppings you want. Instead, spell them out.
11. Put an extra egde on your voice when you say "crazy bread."
12. Stutter on the letter 'P'.
13. Change your accent every three seconds.
14. When they repeat your order, say "OK. That'll be $10.99, please pull up to the second window."
15. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box.
16. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni". Use the long "i" sound.
17. Imitate the order taker's voice.
18. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
19. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
20. Ask what toppings go best with a well-aged Chardonnay.
21. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
22. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little moore OOMPH this time."
23. Ask if they are familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go along with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
24. Learn to play a simple blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
25. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it some more. On the third time, say "You just don't get it do you?"
26. When given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
27. Haggle
28. When they ask if that'll be all, snicker, and say "Well we'll find out, won't we?"
29. Order with a speak-n-spell when applicable.
30. Dance around the word 'pizza'. Avoid using it at all costs. And if the order-taker says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

I brake for....OH SHIT!! NO BRAKES!!! (part II)

Some more sayings I'd like to put on my customized license plate holder:

WORK HARDER
Millions on welfare depend on you


TAKE REVENGE
Shit on a Pigeon


4 out of 3 people
Have trouble with fractions


If money is the root of all evil
Why do churches beg for it?


Jesus might love you
...but everyone else thinks you're an ass


Save your breath, jackass
You'll need it to blow up your date


Some people are only alive
Because it's illegal to shoot them


Word.

WOMEN

I know I'm not going to ever understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a little spider. Makes no sense.

Dedicated to my Brother

Every once in a while, we stumble on to something and think of one person that would really enjoy what we've stumbled on to. This happens alot with me. Recently, as I have been listening to Penn (on "Free" FM), I have often found my self calling my brother to say "did you hear what he just said...", because I know my brother is more-than-likely listening, or if he's not, then I can reiterate Penn's message to him and make him chuckle. But anyway, I found something soooo fucking funny, that I almost had to leave work yesterday after I watched it. I know that Paul is going to pee, if he hasn't seen this already. So this blog, is a dedication to my brother because he has turned me on to some of the funniest things ever. (i.e. Weeble and Bob, The Flying Spaghetti Monster), and because he is a huge mentor, idol, friend, and inspiration to me.

Prepare yourself. The following link might make you change your underpants.

PLEASE CLICK HERE.


Also, you need to check out my brothers blog, and bookmark it. It's the shit. He's about the smartest person I know, and 99.9% of the time, he's right on the money.


Peace out, bitches....Sam Adams(light) here I come.

Big Fat Pig

I guess the psychology field is getting bored with the conventional way to test your personality. It can now be tested simply by drawing a pig. You should try it.

I found out from my pig that I am:

*Positive and optimistic (true)
*I believe in tradition, am friendly, and remember birthdays, etc.. (I can't even remember my own birthday...but I love traditions, and I'm friendly, so this one is 2/3rds ok.)
*I am emotional and naive, I care little for details, and am a risk taker (all true, except, sometimes I like details...)
*I am secure, stubborn, and stick to my ideas (100% accurate)
*I am a good listener (i think so)
*I have a large "wow" sex life (now, I don't know what this has to do with personality, but they might be close on this one!)

So all of that they found out by my drawing a pig. I wonder what would happen if I drew an elephant! WHOA!! ZING!! (insert cheesy drumfill here).

If you want to see my drawing of a pig, please click here.

If you don't want to see my pig, then you have hurt my feelings and I am now crying...

Seriously...I'm weeping, curled up in the fetal position in the corner of a room, with a kleenex full of my own "crying snot". C'mon...don't ask.....really....you don't know what crying snot is??? Oh my god! It's completely different from regular "I've got a cold" snot, but sorta similar to "I just came in from outside and it's 10 degrees" snot. Maybe I'll post a blog about the different kinds of snot there are...

Peace out, bitches....Sam Adams here I come.