From the ADP blurbs collection - Part III

More of your favorite hits...coming straight from the ADP blurbs collection. This little number is from 2003 as I sat, bored, like I often did; just waiting for some acute aspect of human nature to piss me off...


The world is a funny place. I love my job, but I feel like I'm a 75-year-old woman, bitter to the core, at her bi-weekly bridge game. I'm sitting in my cubicle, minding my own business, and I get sucked in the middle of a discussion about how the air conditioner/heater at the office makes for an ungodly, horrible work environment. Jesus, people...stop the whining...
If it's too hot, take off your fucking sweater. And if you're chilly.....hmmmm...common sense tells us - PUT YOUR FUCKING SWEATER ON!
I guess I'm just a tad bit angry today. I go through moods. Today, I'm angry. I think it's a combination of life's stressors. But, as always, my attitude is "fuck it!". You know, people in this world are generally complainers. I don't freakin' get it. I mean, I do my share of complaining, but not every day. And for the most part, I get up in the morning and thank God that I'm even alive. I mean, Jesus Christ, we're not in Yugoslavia starving out in the cold, or getting bombed. We are generally, as a society, very well off. So SHUT UP about the temperature in the office for God's sake!

"...can I put you on hold?" - AAHHHRRRRGGGG!!!!! @#%$&*$!

If you only knew....how many times.....

FUCK HOLD! If you're going to call in a payroll for your business, I think that takes priority over Bob's House of Pizza calling on your other line to verify your fucking order. Damnit! Stop the madness!

Nice people are great. I'm generally nice to everyone. Spit in my face, call me an ass - I'll probably thank you and ask for more. That's just the way it is. If you're nice and generally care - people will (or should) respect you. That's the way the world should be. So, yeah, nice people may finish last....but the whole time we're behind you meanies, we've got our middle fingers up and are making faces at cha! ...bitches.

Towson, MD

So I came across something I wrote while in my senior year in high school. Back then, I thought I was going to go to Towson State University. This was before I took the SAT's...


A Poem of Towson
by John Stagg


It's a perfect place, not too big not too small
With lot's of things, including a mall.
The people aren't mean, or the buildings too tall,
And it's not so far away that it's long-distance to call!
What more could you ask for in a place such as this?
If it had a face, it would be one you would kiss.
It's a town that if were gone, you'd surely miss.
And if it was stolen, you'd get really pissed.
With a college, a mall, and An Die Musik,
It's a place that many consider to be sheik.
The landscape is perfect and not so oblique,
and if you turned down a home there, you might be a geek.
So to sum up this place, it's a lot that's going on.
It's the spot in the world that always gets sun.
So go to your closet and get some hip clothes on.
Cause we're taking a ride..we're going to Towson.


God...I was such a putz back then, huh?

Peace out bitches......Coors Light here I come!
Whoaaaa......did I just say Coors Light?
(I meant Sam Adams)

I brake for....OH SHIT!! NO BRAKES!!!

I recently bought a new car. When I recieved my new license plates, I didn't want to have them mounted by the typical dealership bracket. After all, we're not getting paid to advertise for them, are we?? So I wanted to get some license plate holders that were customized to my personality. Now, for those of you that know me, I am a little unique, so I didn't really like all the personal ones that are already out there, that everyone else has...

for example:

I BRAKE FOR MUSIC

or

ALUMNI of UNIVERSITY of BALTIMORE

or

I'D RATHER BE FISHING


...you all know what I'm talking about, right? I mean, you've seen these a hundres times. So i did some research and found a company that allows you to personalize your own saying, and they will make the license plate holder and ship it to you! Isn't that great! So I came up with a list of sayings that I thought might be a touch more personal to my lifestyle, feelings, and beliefs. Some of these are inspired by bumper stickers I've seen, others I thought up. All are magically delicious...

* Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
* Ax Me About Ebonics
* If You Can't Feed 'Em, Don't Breed 'Em
* Constipated People Don't Give a Crap
* Forgive Your Enemies, It Messes With Their Heads
* I'd Rather Be Taking a Dump
* I'd Rather Be Back In Prison
* I'd Rather Be Doing Your Sister
* Alumni: University of Your Mom
* Alumni: University of Suck It
* Alumni: University of Beer
* Alumni: University of Redundancy University
* If you can read this, then I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

There are many more that I will post later. If you like some of these, but are looking for a bit more raunch, you should check out my favorite T-Shirt site. Be warned...some of it is just wrong.

Peace out, bitches.....Sam Adams here I come.

Top Ten Favorite Arnold Facts

Here is a list of my favorite top ten Arnold Schwartzenegger facts:

1. Arnold Schwartzenegger is, in fact, a mammal.

2. Arnold Schwartzenegger destroyed the periodic table, because Arnold Schwartzenegger only recognizes the element of surprise.

3. The movie "terminator" won 17 oscars in 1984 for Best Documentary

4. Arnold Schwartzenegger's marriage to Maria Shriver is actually a genetic experiment to breed the worlds first bullet-proof Kennedy.

5.There are 3 things that are essential for most humans to survive: water, food, and oxygen. Arnold Schwartzenegger, however, only needs two things: his fists.

6. Arnold Schwartzenegger is the only U.S. Governor who both approves and performs state executions.

7. Arnold Schwartzenegger was tested for every type of cancer known to mankind. All tests came back negative. This is because it is in fact, not a tumor.

8. Arnold Schwartzenegger's favorite food group is human flesh

9. Although Newton's Third Law states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to Arnold Schwartzenegger's fist punching you in the face.

10. Arnold Schwartzenegger plays Raquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

From the ADP blurbs collection...PART II

something else I wrote while at ADP....



Mean people suck. Just like the stickers say. Working in a call center has changed my views on people in general...

ring, ring......

"I'm mad, I want attention and sympathy...I'm in the wrong but I'm blaming you....I'm going to get real mad....blah, blah, blah......I'm going to pee my pants.....I want a supervisor....WAHHHH!!"

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Just calm down and be nice, and everything will be fine. What's that saying..."to err is human", right? Well, I've got an addendum: "to err is human....to be rude is to expect to be told to shut the fuck up." Thanks.


Boredom.(N). Definition: to think about what you would be drinking if you could leave work early. Look it up in the dictionary and it says: "See finger in ass."


Hey. What about that nice little phrase "Have a nice day."? O.K.... but where does that leave me tomorrow? Do you want today to be nice and tomorrow to suck for me? Geez...
I wish I could write all day. re:boredom.

I'm not angry anymore, by the way. It's all out of my system. Now I just wish it was 5 o'clock and I could go home and have a beer.

Do you ever have a song stuck in your head and can't get it out? I think that when you see vagrants, homeless, and crazy people on the street talking to themselves - this is the cause of their situation. The root of their demise. They just haven't found a way to get it out.
"Abbra, abrra cadabra......I wanna reach out and grab ya..."
Fuck!! Ahhhhh!! I can't get it out!!!

Peace out, bitches...Sam Adams here I come.

From the ADP blurbs collection - PART I

This is something I wrote while working at ADP in 2003...
(for those of you who do not know - ADP is a call center where people call in their payrolls for their businesses.)



So it's nearing the end of the day for ADP and I'm left with a feeling of udder sadness. CHA! Whatever!. I need to make some more money. If there was one great thing that happened today, it was getting to talk to my favorite payroll client...company code IPP. And their first employee's name is Hei Ho. Someone of foreign descent I would assume. I pee pee from laughter everytime I do this payroll. I really like what I do, but it's boring sometimes. 10 minutes and counting. Phone is ringing......

16:45 pm - "Um....is it too late to call in a payroll?"

"Not yet" I said happily, expecting to take a short payroll.

"Oh. Well, let me get my time cards from the boys, and cal back in four minutes"

*CLICK* (did this ass just hang up on me?)

I swear, if I get this jackass when he calls back, I'm going to tell him the cut off was 2 minutes prior to his call and he'll have to wait an extra day for his fucking paychecks. Dickhead.

Hanging up on people is the rudest. God, if I had a way to electrically shock everyone that does that - I would be so happy, I might just pee myself. Uhhhh. Abbra Cadabra! - nope - didn;t work. I have nothing more to talk about. Sam Adams, here I come...

A Poem of Everything

Don't you hate it when you spit flem
And it falls out of your mouth and hangs
Like a bunjee(sp) jumper off a tall bridge.
Then it sways back and forth as you try to make it fall.
What is the point of flem? Why is it here?
Is it God's way of making us suffer for too much snot?
Too much snot? But flem is not snot.
Flem is much more rubbery than snot.
Flem could be considered cement-like when in comparison to...
Snot. What an ugly word! Why couldn't it be called...
Ness-beamly apptichure compliance substitute.
What the hell am I talking about? Babble.
Thanks for reading this...I was bored.

A Poem of Nothing

How many times have you gone to kiss someone
And opened your mouth just to find out it's only a dream?
And you smash your pillow in dismay
Wishing you had not awaken at such a precious moment.
Natures way of saying "Ha, ha, ha, you horny fucker"
Better luck next time, you sucker for reality.
Yes, you...you with the wet pillow.