Check Norris Fact of the Day:
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.Band Tip of the Day:
Your manager's not helping you. Fire him.And a new addition to this blog -
the Crazy Law of the Day!Crazy Law of the Day:
In Waterville, Maine, it is illegal to blow your nose in public.
Moron of the Week:
Police in Oakland, California, spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing over ten teargas canisters inside the home, officers were informed that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Come out and give yourself up."...I'm not making this stuff up, folks...
And now back to our regularly scheduled documentary, "Big Game Hunting: Theories of Small Penis Syndrome."
So the last time I wrote something, I was having trouble with a kidney stone. One month later, on Monday March 12
th, I had to have
surgery to get it removed. Needless to say....it sucked. Having a doctor go up through your penis to
laser-blast a kidney stone is not very fun. I went in Monday morning to
GBMC hospital. I arrived at 8:15AM and was tired and hungry. I was quickly shuffled through all the various tasks of signing in, filling out forms, and
proving I had insurance. About 9:00 am I was taken to a little area, I
referred to as a holding cell. It was a tiny room with a drawn curtain for a door, that had in it a dentist-type chair, another chair for a family member, a cabinet, some plastic bags for your stuff, and a remote control device that worked a TV up in the corner. I got naked, put on the stupid "open-backed" gown, and sat in the dentist-type chair. My wife sat beside me. Let me just stop now and say that sitting in a cold, leather, dentist-type chair, naked, with an open-backed gown on, is not very comfortable. Not to mention thinking about all the other asses that had been on that chair before me. Just thinking about it again makes me ill. Luckily, I retrieved on of the plastic bags and sat on that. So then I grabbed the remote. Major mistake. I noticed that the remote had 2 buttons. One that said "TV", and one that said "CALL NURSE". Being the smart guy that I am, and having an urge to take my mind off the upcoming violation of my private parts, I pressed the button that said "TV".
WOW! Channel 2 came on! For those of you familiar with Baltimore County and
Comcast Cable, you now that channel 2 is the
OLN network, or Outdoor Life Network. They recently changed their name to the 'VS network' because they are showing more competitive sports, such as Chuck
Norris's World Combat League. Anyway, at 9:00am in the morning, that channel does not have a whole lot to offer. So I was stuck watching a show on Big Game Hunting. It was some random neck, a guide, and a camera crew, in the middle of Africa, hunting big game. Fascinating. I went to change the channel and
remembered that there were only two buttons. The "channel" button was missing. FUCK! I was stuck watching a channel that was obviously intended for a viewing audience of intellectually
challenged doofi. (That's right. I just used the plural of the word
Doofus.) Being that I was stuck with no options, I had no choice but to watch this show. What I witnessed was amazing. A guy stood in the middle of a wide open plain, saw a rhino, and shot it. Holy shit! That guy just shot a fucking rhino! I had never seen that before. I was a little unsettled. I mean, I'm not green-freak, tree-
huggin hippie-type, nor am I a member of PETA. In fact, I support the right to carry arms and hunt. I don't mind people shooting deer or rabbits, or birds, and shit like that. I just never though people shot Rhino's. And to be completely honest, I was a little pissed. I mean, where's the fucking sport in that? The last time I checked the Discovery channel, Rhino's lived in the African plains, in herds, grouped near watering holes. To me that means they stand out in the open and don't really move a whole lot. This makes for some pretty piss-poor hunting I would think. apparently I am wrong. It must be fun to fly to Africa, get in a jeep, drive through a field, see a rhino, get out, and shoot it. Maybe there;s a challenge that I'm not seeing. I mean, at least duck hunting and deer hunting you actually have to fool the animal into thinking you're not there. And although you might be covered in some sort of urine, there is still some
challenge. Shooting a 2 ton Rhino that is standing in a field not moving, seems like it's just shooting for the sake of shooting. Pointless. Hey everybody, I got a new show we could put on TV that would be just as challenging. I'm going to go out today, run into the supermarket, and see if I can get me some milk! WHOA! That's CRAZY! What a challenge. Maybe they're going to be out of milk! It's been known to happen. Fucking dorks. Go wash your trucks. If you want to impress me and have a Rhino involved, go
sneak up and slap one on the ass, then see how far you can run. Bitches. Sorry for the rant. Sometimes I just don't get it.
Anyway, back to talking about the doctor fishing inside my dick. Alright, alright....I'll spare the details. It sucked, and that's all anyone really needs to know. I will probably be fully recovered in 2 weeks. Lets hope and see. Enough for today. I need rest, medication, and some candy.
Tune in tomorrow when we go over why it's important to dunk your penis in rubbing alcohol to help with the infection that sets in when the tip has been cut open and widened because some fucking quack shoved a pencil sized
laser in there! Just kidding. I won't be talking about that. It really burns me. HA!
By the way, everyone should check out
this website, which is totally awesome. Just create a profile filled with your interests, and it puts a button on your toolbar that, when pressed takes you to a random website thatr you're bound to like. And you can rate the websites so other people will get the good ones, and bad ones will get weeded out. Trust me, it's cool.
Peace out bitches..........
Percacet, M&M's, and a pillow here I come.
