MY GOD!

You would think I'd be dead the way I've neglected my blogspot forum. Well - have no fear! I will be bloggong again really soon. I just have to find the damn time.

Flickr?

For all those like me who want to get into photography, but are scared of being technologically inept, maybe we can all learn from my buddies.

My buddy Bill has been taking pictures for a little while, and is very good. Being of an artistic mindset, he really has a keen eye for good pictures. His advice to me about getting into photography is simple: find some free time, get a relatively nice camera ($500-$700), don't eat Mexican food before you go out taking pictures, and just go have fun! Practice makes perfect sometimes, but even an newbie to the scene can snap a good photo every now and then. Bill snaps good photos on a more frequent basis. His pictures are very good, and only getting better. If you want to look at good amateur photography, that rivals some professional photo's I've seen, I suggest you check out his website: (there's even a couple pictures of me playing sax)

http://www.flickr.com/photos/bills_eye

You won't be sorry.


Also, my band-mate Brian has started to dabble in photography. You can check his pictures out at:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/bodhinug

There are some cool shots of trees and things.


Enjoy!


-johnny

My cold

David Hasselhoff fact of the day:
David Hasselhoff shaves a different sheep every morning to get his fresh curly dew.

Musician joke of the day:
Q: What do drummers use as birth control?
A: Their personalities.

And now back to our regularly scheduled program: "The Hoff: Why Pam Anderson really has Hep C."


OK. So now I can complain, bitch, wine, and generally moan about my freakin cold. I woke up on Monday with a tickle in my throat. From there, this cold has progressed into a bit more of a nuisance. Today, as my throat feels like it's a fire from the depths of hell, the left side of my face seems to have started to stockpile all the flem in my body. Kinda like squirrels stock up for a cold, nut-less winter. I was okay with this for a bit, but then I went to eat lunch. The stuck flem decided to shift itself to the other side of my face. I mean, how does this happen? For a minute, I could breathe freely from both nostrils, then I actually felt the other side of my face getting stuffed. The whole process took about 5 minutes. So here I sit, with a beautiful dish of old-bay coated chicken and a bowl of peas. I'm really excited about eating this. Not only is it a more healthy approach to my normally fast-food-laden lunch, but it's OLD BAY!! Here's the rub (pardon the pun.) I CAN'T TASTE IT!!! I'm so freakin pissed right now! All the anticipation, and I get nothing out of this. This, sir, is bullshit. So my solution? I'm going to make something really healthy for dinner that I normally don;t like the taste of, and I'm going to eat it all. There. So fuck you Mr. Cold! I win!

It's 12:48pm Pacific Time and the Space Shuttle Orbiter just landed safely. Amazing. Space travel. Maybe we could spend some of NASA's money on research to cure the common cold. Bitches. Isn't it funny that we can go explore outer space, but we can't get to the bottom of our own planet's oceans? Whatever. Who cares. I just finished my peas. I'm not sure if they were good or not. I couldn't taste them.


Peace out, bitches...... 1 hour of work, a drive home in rush hour traffic, and some cold medicine, here I come.

Getting Older?

Sorry it's been a while since my last post. I just realized that I can do this from work, so I'll probably be posting more.


Chuck Norris fact of the day:
Chuck Norris does not love Raymond


And now back to our regularly scheduled program: "Crispy, the dope-smoking clown"


Games to play when you're older:
1. Sag, you're it
2. Hide and go pee
3. 20 questions in your good ear
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse said bend over
6. Musical recliners

You know you're old when...
1. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
2. Getting a little action means you don't need any fiber that day.
3. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
4. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee.
and for the women...
5. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.


Randomness:
- If raising children was easy, it wouldn't begin with 'Labor'.
- Eating natural foods just means you will die of natural causes.
- The easiest way to find something you've lost is to buy a replacement for it.
- Since everyone now owns a camcorder, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to.
- In the 60's people took acid to make the world seem weird, now people take Prozac to make it normal.
- Do illiterate people know when they're eating alphabet soup?

and finally....
- If Jimmy cracks corn, and no one cares....why in the hell is there a song about him??


Until next time...

peace out bitches......leaving work - here I come!

Chris Rock Said It All

Band rule of the day:
Don't talk on stage. You're not that funny.

Musician joke of the day:
Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q test?
A: Drool

David Hasselhoff Fact of the Day:
There are no steroids in Baseball. Just players The Hoff has breathed on.


And now back to our regularly scheduled program......"Dipsy: True Stories of Bungee-Jumping Nudists."


I'm sorry for my last blog. It was a bit long. This one is short. I recently heard something that Chris Rock said, and I thought it was awesome. Probably the best quote of 2006.

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best
golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the
America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to
go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and
Colon."

--Comedian Chris Rock , 2006

Makes me chuckle every time I read it. See ya later.

Peace out bitches..............a hot shower, big sweatsuit, rest and video games, here I come!

Kidney Stones, Channel Surfing, and Cool Websites, OH MY!

Check Norris Fact of the Day:
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

Band Tip of the Day:
Your manager's not helping you. Fire him.

And a new addition to this blog - the Crazy Law of the Day!

Crazy Law of the Day:
In Waterville, Maine, it is illegal to blow your nose in public.

Moron of the Week:
Police in Oakland, California, spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing over ten teargas canisters inside the home, officers were informed that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Come out and give yourself up."

...I'm not making this stuff up, folks...

And now back to our regularly scheduled documentary, "Big Game Hunting: Theories of Small Penis Syndrome."

So the last time I wrote something, I was having trouble with a kidney stone. One month later, on Monday March 12th, I had to have surgery to get it removed. Needless to say....it sucked. Having a doctor go up through your penis to laser-blast a kidney stone is not very fun. I went in Monday morning to GBMC hospital. I arrived at 8:15AM and was tired and hungry. I was quickly shuffled through all the various tasks of signing in, filling out forms, and proving I had insurance. About 9:00 am I was taken to a little area, I referred to as a holding cell. It was a tiny room with a drawn curtain for a door, that had in it a dentist-type chair, another chair for a family member, a cabinet, some plastic bags for your stuff, and a remote control device that worked a TV up in the corner. I got naked, put on the stupid "open-backed" gown, and sat in the dentist-type chair. My wife sat beside me. Let me just stop now and say that sitting in a cold, leather, dentist-type chair, naked, with an open-backed gown on, is not very comfortable. Not to mention thinking about all the other asses that had been on that chair before me. Just thinking about it again makes me ill. Luckily, I retrieved on of the plastic bags and sat on that. So then I grabbed the remote. Major mistake. I noticed that the remote had 2 buttons. One that said "TV", and one that said "CALL NURSE". Being the smart guy that I am, and having an urge to take my mind off the upcoming violation of my private parts, I pressed the button that said "TV".
WOW! Channel 2 came on! For those of you familiar with Baltimore County and Comcast Cable, you now that channel 2 is the OLN network, or Outdoor Life Network. They recently changed their name to the 'VS network' because they are showing more competitive sports, such as Chuck Norris's World Combat League. Anyway, at 9:00am in the morning, that channel does not have a whole lot to offer. So I was stuck watching a show on Big Game Hunting. It was some random neck, a guide, and a camera crew, in the middle of Africa, hunting big game. Fascinating. I went to change the channel and remembered that there were only two buttons. The "channel" button was missing. FUCK! I was stuck watching a channel that was obviously intended for a viewing audience of intellectually challenged doofi. (That's right. I just used the plural of the word Doofus.) Being that I was stuck with no options, I had no choice but to watch this show. What I witnessed was amazing. A guy stood in the middle of a wide open plain, saw a rhino, and shot it. Holy shit! That guy just shot a fucking rhino! I had never seen that before. I was a little unsettled. I mean, I'm not green-freak, tree-huggin hippie-type, nor am I a member of PETA. In fact, I support the right to carry arms and hunt. I don't mind people shooting deer or rabbits, or birds, and shit like that. I just never though people shot Rhino's. And to be completely honest, I was a little pissed. I mean, where's the fucking sport in that? The last time I checked the Discovery channel, Rhino's lived in the African plains, in herds, grouped near watering holes. To me that means they stand out in the open and don't really move a whole lot. This makes for some pretty piss-poor hunting I would think. apparently I am wrong. It must be fun to fly to Africa, get in a jeep, drive through a field, see a rhino, get out, and shoot it. Maybe there;s a challenge that I'm not seeing. I mean, at least duck hunting and deer hunting you actually have to fool the animal into thinking you're not there. And although you might be covered in some sort of urine, there is still some challenge. Shooting a 2 ton Rhino that is standing in a field not moving, seems like it's just shooting for the sake of shooting. Pointless. Hey everybody, I got a new show we could put on TV that would be just as challenging. I'm going to go out today, run into the supermarket, and see if I can get me some milk! WHOA! That's CRAZY! What a challenge. Maybe they're going to be out of milk! It's been known to happen. Fucking dorks. Go wash your trucks. If you want to impress me and have a Rhino involved, go sneak up and slap one on the ass, then see how far you can run. Bitches. Sorry for the rant. Sometimes I just don't get it.
Anyway, back to talking about the doctor fishing inside my dick. Alright, alright....I'll spare the details. It sucked, and that's all anyone really needs to know. I will probably be fully recovered in 2 weeks. Lets hope and see. Enough for today. I need rest, medication, and some candy.
Tune in tomorrow when we go over why it's important to dunk your penis in rubbing alcohol to help with the infection that sets in when the tip has been cut open and widened because some fucking quack shoved a pencil sized laser in there! Just kidding. I won't be talking about that. It really burns me. HA!
By the way, everyone should check out this website, which is totally awesome. Just create a profile filled with your interests, and it puts a button on your toolbar that, when pressed takes you to a random website thatr you're bound to like. And you can rate the websites so other people will get the good ones, and bad ones will get weeded out. Trust me, it's cool.

Peace out bitches..........Percacet, M&M's, and a pillow here I come.

Don't Try This at Home - PART II

Band Rule of the Week:
Never start a trio with a married couple.

Moron of the week:
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
...perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

***ATTENTION***

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's the long awaited return of the.....(drum roll please)

DAVID HASSLEHOFF FACT OF THE DAY!
David Hasslehoff once challenged Lance Armstrong to a "who has more testicles" contest. The Hoff won by 5.


(...we now return to our regularly scheduled documentary: "Kidney Stones and Beans: Learn to Separate Pain and Flatulence.")



So if you have read my previous blog entitled "Don't try this at home", you know that I really like to conduct little 'social experiments' in public places, making mental notes of the outcomes for future use in my book. Some of the situations can be very uncomfortable, especially around people that I know. Regardless, I need to do these tests in order for me to keep a healthy level of insanity. The tests below are for an office settings and also public places, like malls, etc.. Because I work in a corporate office setting, I have founds that some of these are quite suitable. Feel free to try these at your leisure. By all means, let me know the outcomes.

1. At lunch, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. Try to catch the looks on their faces.

2. Page your self over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk with a label on it that reads "IN".

5. Put decaf coffee in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Everyone's body will get used to not having the caffeine. On the 4th week, switch to Espresso.

6. Finish all your sentences with: "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

7. In the memo field of all your checks, write: 'for smuggling diamonds'

8. Don't use punctuation.

9. As often as possible, SKIP rather than walk.

10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat. Keep a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-thru order is 'to go.'

12. Sing along at an Opera

13. Go to a poetry reading and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put up mosquito netting around your work space and play a CD with tropical sounds.

15. Five days in advance, RSVP that you won't be attending an event because your not in the mood.

16. When the money comes out of the ATM, start screaming "I've won!!! I'VE WON!!!!"

17. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot screaming "They're loose! Run for your lives, they're loose!!"



Peace out, bitches......Percacet and a nap, here I come.

Some jokes...

Musician joke of the day:

Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

doh!

And now back to our regularly scheduled documentary: "Doodles: The drawing chimp."


So I've been sent many emails with jokes, and stuff in them. A lot of them make me laugh. So I've taken a few that put a smile on my face, and I'll re-post them here so hopefully they can put a smile on your face as well.


One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightgown. "Tie me up, " she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

- So he tied her up and went golfing.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won the lottery!!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack? Beach stuff, or mountain stuff?"

- "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Mother Superior called all of the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back, "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once! TOO MANY! Turn them. TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD!! Where is the BUTTER?? They're going to stick! CAREFUL! CAREFUL! I said CAREFUL! you NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?? Have you LOST you mind?? Don't forget the SALT! You know you always forget the salt. Use the salt! USE THE SALT!!

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry up a couple of eggs? I've been doing it forever!"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a Nort Carolina mountain man, went into the Army. On his first day of basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, the barber shaved off all of his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked out seven of his teeth. On the third day, they issued him a jock strap...

...the Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years now.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

That's it, folks. Go back to what ever you were doing. Shows over.

Peace out trick-or-treaters, EggBeaters omelet, here I come...